If I was sitting in a café, and there was a clock on the wall, ticking away, I’d probably be staring at it, watching the second hand slowly tick forward. Minute. By. Minute. Second. By. Second.
But as it turns out, I’m not sitting in a café. And nowadays, who really has a wall clock anymore? It’s so 1989.
We count and measure time by looking at our mobile devices or checking our daily planner. Our lives are carefully planned. Every single minute is packed with activities or filled with distractions as we continue to complain about the same problem we all have, that we don’t really have time for any of it.
But what really is time other than moments that pass by at a snails pace? Memories we make alone or with others around, whether wanted or unwanted? Time is unstoppable. It is out of our control. In most ways...
I check my mobile, for possibly the 43rd time since I arrived, and it’s 21 minute past the time we were to meet.
09:21 am.
I knew it. I just knew they’d be late.
Funny thing is, I tried to be late so I wouldn’t have to stand around and wait like an idiot. In the freezing cold.
But, even in my greatest effort to be late, I’m still standing here…Alone…waiting. Feeling stupid. Feeling unimportant.
And at the same time I feel like a…well, like I’m being unfair, and overly demanding.
Things do happen. Buses get delayed. There could be a traffic jam. Somewhere. Something could have happened.
I hope nothing bad.
Trying to be patient is something I've always had to work at. Make allowances for others when life just happens. And I try. I really do try, every single minute of the day.
I see Jael arrive just down the road. She looks stressed. She gives me a hug.
“I’m so, so, sorry I’m late…I couldn’t find my purse, and the kids started screaming as I was leaving, and then Grant needed help…” She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “But I got here as soon as I could.”
“It’s okay,” I say and smile. “Don’t worry about it.”
I’ve only been freezing my butt off for the past 21 minutes. Don’t sweat it.
She looks around, suddenly realizing it’s just the two of us.
“Where are the others?” she asks, as if I should know exactly why everyone else is late. Like I don’t have a life. Or that my time isn’t as precious as everyone else’s.
“I don’t know,” I say and breathe deeply.
I’m being unfair. I’m being petty. And maybe a bit of a bitch.
“I’m sure they’re just around the corner,” Jael says, rubbing her hands together.
I can’t feel my fingers anymore. They’ve become numb. But I don’t show it. I don’t say anything.
“Oh, there’s Flora.” Jael waves eagerly and Flora comes running. And right behind her is Heather.
“I’m late…I know…I overslept and hurried as much as I could.” Flora looks mortified when she gives all of us the biggest hug. She’s always been great at giving hugs. And for that alone, I forgive her. And she looks like she’s really…sorry.
“It’s fine, Flora…It really is fine,” I say and laugh, my mood brightening. A little.
“Well, at least I’m not the last one to arrive.” She chuckles at her own joke, and I join her.
Not funny. If I get hypothermia or a frostbite I’m sending everyone my hospital bill.
“Sorry, hon.” Heather looks at me. She knows I’ve been waiting here since 09:05 am, five minutes after the agreed meeting time. She knows I’m already hanging on by a thin thread. I assure her with a simple nod that I’m okay. She gets it. She always has.
“Where’s Bianca?” Flora asks. “Isn’t this her arrangement? She’s always late that girl. Even to her own events.” Flora rolls her eyes impatiently, but I remain silent. I’m afraid to open my mouth and say something I shouldn’t.
I look at the time again.
09:36 am.
I can’t believe this!
I can feel my intestines shrivel up, tying themselves into a knot, forming a bow tie in my gut. I feel nauseous. And it’s not the pretty kind. I decide to jump around to get the blood flowing and heat back into my body.
A 36-minute delay. And she’s not even here yet.
I didn’t want to come to this. The only reason I caved was because of Heather, because I know she needs this. She needs the pick-me up.
Breathe.
Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I need to work on my patience some more. And maybe I need to become…well, a nicer person.
“So, do you guys know what we’re doing?” Jael asks and tightens her scarf. Her cheeks have become red as apples, and she copies me and starts to jump up and down, thawing the bloodstream to a semi-flowy fluid.
“No clue,” I say and look around. “I did mention to Bianca that my budget is limited this month…”
Like it always is…
“…and that I would need to leave around lunchtime…”
“Noooooo,” all three call out in unison. I look at them and frown.
Please don’t do this to me again. Please allow me to make a choice for myself and stick to it.
“I’d love to stay for the whole thing, but…”
“If it’s about the money, consider this day as my gift to you… It’s on me,” Flora says.
“I’ll pitch in,” Heather echoes at the same time as Jael.
Stop. Please just don't...
My inner self makes an imitation of The Scream by Edvard Munch. But my outer self, smiles and chuckles.
It feels nice to be wanted. Maybe even needed. And I love them for offering, like always. But I can't help the guilt building up and forming in my gut, every single time they do this.
“It’s not just about the money, girls,” I continue and try to keep the mood light. “It’s been a crazy week, and I’m so exhausted…I really wanted to join, but with everything that’s been going on…”
“Let. THE. Party. Start!!!”
Bianca’s voice pierces through the air, and we all turn around at the same time. She casually exits the corner café, in her usual manner. Raising her hands. And does a little WhoopWhoop-dance.
Has she been in there for this whole time?
She has a hot cup of coffee in her hands. She’s dressed up in a bright red wool coat, with a matching beret. Her lips are painted bright red.
I must have missed the memo.
I'm guessing that the theme for today is...Red. And not just any kind of red.
Red like the anger burning inside me.
Red like the fire I wished I was curled up in front of to get heat back into my body.
Red like the blood that’s now frozen in my veins.
I look at the time again, and gasp involuntarily.
Nine. Fifty. Three.
I don’t have any words. I should've known. This is not the first time we are left hanging, but each time it amazes me that someone can be this blind to time. Heather knows what’s wrong, and her being her, she wraps her arm around me. I instantly gain a bit of comfort from that.
“Okay, girls… Are you ready?” Bianca cheers, drinking her warm and freshly made coffee I eye with longing. I look at my phone again, but she ignores my silent gesture in pointing out the obvious. She's late.
Excuse me for acting a bit passive aggressive. But this is a passive aggressive moment.
I wait for it. The apology. An explanation why the rest of us had to freeze our butts off while waiting for her.
Were we all supposed to meet at 10:00 am? Did she get stuck in traffic? Did she have problems with her kids? Did we all misunderstand her message?
I look at my phone again and check the message.
No. It’s all there. In black and white – 09:00 am @Central Station.
“Sooo,” Heather starts carefully, drawing out the word. “What happened, Bianca?”
She chuckles and twirls in her beautiful coat.
“I couldn’t find my red lipstick…I searched all over for it…and it couldn’t just be any red. It had to be the right tone to complete the outfit, you know…” She laughs and pulls out from her bag 4 red scarfs and hands them out to us. “Today’s theme is RED…For Confidence, Strength and Excitement.”
“If I’d known I would have brought my own red lipstick,” Flora mumbles under her breath and is about to put the red scarf in her bag.
“No, no…” Bianca quickly says and unwraps Flora’s scarf from around her neck, and replaces it with the red scarf she just brought. “We were all supposed to wear red today…Be like the Famous Five, sexy ladies we know we are, who are strong and powerful. I wrote it in the message.” Everyone looks at each other confused, shaking their heads with various degree of intensity. And I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel I'm the only one that notices. The dynamics.
“Uhm…No you didn’t,” Jael murmurs.
“I didn’t?” Bianca looks at the message and then laughs heartily. “Oh no. I guess I forgot.” She shrugs her shoulders. “Well…You’ve got the scarfs I bought for you. And when we are in town later we can buy red lipstick.”
Panic. Panic. Panic.
“There’s this fabulous lipstick from Chanel…Allure…something. Only 60 dollars. We’ll make it work out.”
Breathe. Remember to breathe.
No one says anything, and Bianca’s excitement is like always…Contagious?
Not the right word. I feel I'm suffocating...
“Anyways, we should hurry… I’ve got so many things planned for today. I can’t wait to show you guys everything that I’ve organized.”
I can’t do this. I should’ve said no. I should've stayed in bed.
Bianca looks in my direction as if she can see right through me, as if she can sense I’m ready to make a run for it.
“And we’re all joining in today. No exceptions. No excuses.” She claps her hands and starts heading down the road, to the next adventure planned for us while sipping her hot coffee.
I feel defeated. I already feel exhausted. And the day hasn’t even started.
Heather hooks her arm with mine.
“Come on, hon…It’ll be fun.” I look at her and roll my eyes and sigh. “And if you need to leave, don’t worry about it…I’ll cover you.” I nod, thankful to have my friend at my side. I try to stay positive and smile, but it feels forced.
“Thanks, Heather…I want to be here for you.”
“I know you do.” And that is all it takes. The understanding. The validation and knowledge that I'm not alone.
“Come on girls! We need to hurry...we're already late.” I nearly choke on my own saliva. Maybe it's better to choke than to say what I want to say.
Bianca takes the lead on our parade and we all start to following the woman in red, and head into the great unknown.
I should be excited. I should be thrilled and want to experience new things. I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. Maybe this is a good thing.
Attitude adjustment.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the one being difficult. Maybe I’m the unyielding jerk creating unnecessary drama. Maybe I should just shut up and enjoy.
But feeling that you're not being heard doesn't feel good. This feeling that you don’t really have a choice…really sucks! Big time.
As I reluctantly shuffle along at the back of the pack there's one thought that keeps invading my senses. I have a choice. Always. But maybe I've been so used to follow and make everyone else happy that I don't really know what I want anymore. I need to find my own voice.
I look at the red color symbolizing strength and power. Passion and fire.
It's time to make some changes. It's way overdue.
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